update:

update: 

my world has gotten stranger than i ever thought it could.

I’m in the BDSM world now,

and with saturn in my sign for the next two years, i’ve suddenly upped my endurance and ability to accept discipline.

I dislocated my shoulder twice in the same month.

still healing, but my god i’ve learned a lot. Purification by fire means purification by pain.

i wish i had more to say, but i can’t think right now.

developed a strange anxiety that only acts up at random events.
where i’ll be fine but need to THROW UP. sometimes i will, most of the time i don’t.

Is there anything you’re looking to hear from me specifically?

Other than that, i hope you are doing well.

synthetic soldier 

   Shamanism will show you that just when you thought things couldn’t get any stranger, you were wrong. Life is a strange place so finally all the strangeness becomes your reality. The everyday person lives a fantasy. 

   I spent a lot of time in and out of that world. I started as a 17 year old Marine being trained for interrogations. We practiced all kinds of things that are big no-nos with the Geneva convention/UN groups. People just don’t get it that you have to do same nasty shit to get information out of hard combatants. Sleep deprivation and water boarding are just appetizers.

   After the Marines I was soldiering privately and got snatched up for three days for questioning. It sucked. Since then I have serious issues with dentist chairs and electricity. It was quite obvious my previous training, as drastic as it was, was only a game.

   Since I was young I was obsessed with “how much can I take?” which might have come from needing to get through an abusive childhood. By the time I was 10 I could stand fairly still and unemotional as my fathers belt went across my face.

   After my “shocking dentist” detainee experience I helped form a martial arts group that did field maneuvers like capture one another and use your fears as weapons against you. If you were afraid of heights you might find yourself hung by your feet over a cliff. We had group plans too. If you had fears of small spaces, the dark, rejection and abandonment you might be put in a cave with out a flashlight for a couple days. To make it as real as possible we didn’t have safe words.

   That group lasted four years without serious damage. We became very close. While some may think we were sadist we shared the common goal of tempering one another to the max.

  That was about 30 years ago. I have gone in and out of similar scenes since then since then. Mostly for entertainment.

   I tell everyone in Shamanic training that in order to be balanced, you must feed your beast. Otherwise it will start chewing on you. 

   Discipline is mandatory in Shamanism. You must be in control of your emotions at all times. You need to be able to have people watch you tell a joke and think you are the most carefree and loving person as you feel the hell of someone you have been trying to locate through remote viewing, die a desperate death.

   Discipline is what places your steps as you walk between the worlds. 

  Shoulders get easier to dislocate every time you do it. You should swim and not lift anything for a long time. 

   The only thing I’m looking to hear are the things you are going through like this. I’ll write you back. 

   Things for me are as good as they can be for now. 

  Hawk